It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
