I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
