i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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