I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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