Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
