The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
