When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
