i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
