apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
