You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
