Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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