I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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