Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
