Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
