I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
