MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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