you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
