how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
