Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
