hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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