I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You can't motorboat a personality
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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