I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
