Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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