Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
