I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
