Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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