Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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