i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
