so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
