I haven't been this sober since birth.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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