we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
