Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize