Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
