I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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