I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
