I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
