So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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