Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
