saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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