im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
