We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
