I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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