Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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