He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
