A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
