Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
