I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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