I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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