My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
