shes about as inviting as chlamydia
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
