Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
