oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
