I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
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