The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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