I'm so fucking centered right now
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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