There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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