HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize