A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Go christen that room with your naked body.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
