Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
