it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
