Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
